september messages: caterpillar mush, in-between spaces and letting go

Wow. What intense cycles we are all moving through. I went back to look at the last time I sent an email or wrote anything, and I was shocked to see it was 5 full months ago at the beginning of April. Time is such a curious creature.

I have to be honest. I have had an open email draft up to craft this email for an entire month. Every time I went to write something, it just didn’t happen. The timing was not right. It almost feels like there is not a good moment. There is so much going on around the world, so much tragedy, loss, chaos. As I type, the lands, people and animals in California are in my prayers. Just taking a moment to breathe here and send collective healing and water energy out to California...

And, at the same time, each one of our voices is needed more than ever right now. 

I have been in a serious “in-between space” with everything that has been unfolding within me and around me, like for so many of us. Holding questions about how best to orient my attention, presence and service given the current circumstances of where we are at as a species and my own personal capacity.

Now, as we start to shift into another season and I am sensing more of my grounding and my essence, I wanted to reach out and connect a bit with you all.

For months I have been talking about feeling like a caterpillar breaking down into mush in her cocoon. While this can at times be very intense, there is an exciting intention behind the letting go, a creation of space for something new and magical to emerge.

This has been a powerful paradoxal place for me to dance in. A welcomed space.

Here I continue to allow the transmutation of the letting go, the healing, the releasing and composting (aspects of myself, identities/roles I have played/play, commitments that are not 100% aligned, habits, patterns, behaviors, rules/authority grids) and at the same time feel into the opening spaces (within and out) that are being generated. Endings and unknown beginnings. Holding all of it, while not knowing the form my emerging will take.

In-between spaces from one perspective can be super unsettling. However, I would like to also propose that they hold magic, great potential and possibility. They create opportunity. A time to reevaluate what it is important to us and to reexamine what we value and desire. A time to integrate all the lessons and recalibrate our systems to be able to hold what is unfolding and emerging.

A space to expand our capacity and tap into our resilience. To connect back into our essence, our Being, our personal energy. Find it again if it has been misplaced. Activate and “plump it up” as my Infinity Healing teacher Gabrielli says.

I have been in many in-between spaces before in my life, and this particular moment feels significant.

In the past I unconsciously (and then consciously!) looked to quickly fill my in-between spaces with the next project to take on, course/training to take as a student, post to write/make, chore to get done. As if the rules of an in-between space consisted of  “efforting” and “doing” and then, in turn “producing”. “What am I doing?” was my go to frustrated, urgent inquiry filling up my journals and head space.

Our bodies/systems do that. If we let something go, it often tries to find more of the same/similar to refill it up with, so it can keep repeating the same pattern where it is comfortable. The better you get at letting go, the more subtle the refill can become!

With this new growing awareness, it is time to interrupt filling the spaces with such haste. After letting go, it is a time to help the body soften, slow down and be in the curious exploration to sense our self, what we actually desire and might find pleasurable or joyful... exciting even. To be in this space and activate our divinity, so that we may step in and communicate from a place that is lit up with our own life force and authentic power. 

As we are moving into and designing a new paradigm it is essential that we have our sovereign voice and can express our own unique truths rooted in our wisdom and internal knowing.

This can be complicated with all the actual urgency surrounding us right now. It can be challenging for our systems to let down and “allow” for an in-between space when it feels as if the world is imploding around us. We are inundated with people telling us what to do, how to think, etc and this is often filled with the vibration of fear and scarcity. It is especially easy to get caught in what we think we “have to do”, “should do”, “need to do” that is motivated from outside authorities (society, family, religion, community, movements, etc), instead of listening to the call from within us (even if it is a silent whisper).

I have a new layer of understanding, appreciation and internal knowing of what being in the UNKNOWN can mean and feel like: Sensing into deep trust and faith in the potential and possibility that is here for us on this Earth, the support that is available at all times, even among all of the breakdowns and chaos. Holding a vision of OUR own personal TRUTHS that can join with others who resonate so we can move together into a more sustainable and generative way of being, healing and coexisting with this beautiful planet we live on.

I want my activism and service to the collective to be rooted in the ground of my being and not coming from guilt, shame, scarcity or urgency. This feels very important to me.

I am clear that I want to move from an internal juicy, passionate place and create from that space. In order for something to rise up from within me, or channel through me, I continue to follow the pull to allow the letting go and shedding, while exploring and playing (without expectation) in the open space that is emerging! *insert sparkly rainbow here*

This particular cocoon mush time in 2020 thus far has been flowing with winks from the universe and packed with learning opportunities for myself, as I continue to allow, shed, integrate and activate! Here are some of my highlights over the past few months:

• Working with healing a benign mass that has been on the bottom of the ball of my right foot since initial quarantine in March.

• Multi-messages and lessons from the rotting slop at the bottom of my broken fridge including an exploration into the themes: “This is what it looks like and feels like inside when you continue to do your autopilot thing.” What are you feeding yourself? How are you nourishing yourself? This was all reinforced by repeatedly pulling (at nauseam) the same card out of my Dragonfae Oracle Deck “Lovers at the Feast: Conscious, Aware Eating.” Insert eyeroll here. Thank you spirit. (Sidenote: Do you know how complicated it is to buy an appliance quickly during COVID?!)  

• Navigating my space and time with 2 kids being at home and reorienting my focus to exploring our environment to make it the most generative space for living, learning, working and being for all of us. This also goes with holding these two explorations: “How do I make this work for me?” and “How do I choose more consciousness in this moment?”

• Almost flooding our basement again (not once, but twice...PHEW!!)

• Losing all of my Nia music in a computer transfer

• Great reverence for the innate wisdom of my Body and Being and the major healing cycles that my system is going through as I continue to create and hold space for myself to heal and integrate on all levels (physical, emotional, spiritual, energetic, genetic, collective, ancestral, etc)

• Completing the Infinity Healing Intro year training! Celebrating moments and honored to be incorporating learnings and teachings into my private session work with clients.

• Letting go of a social media commitment for my father’s business.

• Withdrawing Allister from school and exploring UNSCHOOLING. We made the decision to be homeschooling him for this year. Reading, exploring and getting curious about my perspective on education and how kids learn and what we can do to foster spaces to cultivate creativity and genuine curiosity for all of us.

• Witnessing the depth of the growth, vulnerability, and magical healing of my clients. I am in awe of their strength and inspired by their desire to show up for themselves- so grateful!

  I am filled with so much gratitude for these and many other unfoldings/discoveries/learnings so far this year. For all the supports and spaces that are available to me, even within this really challenging time. It feels important to name that I am very aware that I write this from a place of great privilege. Oftentimes I get frozen with writing or speaking right now because there is a lot going on in the world and it can feel like I am not doing enough or I don’t have the “right” thing to say.
  
  My wise Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, Becky Carrol often reminds me that our greatest GIFT to humanity is our COHERENCE. This resonates so deeply and has been a great theme of 2020 for me.

  Our coherence. Our energy. Our frequency. What we emit out into the world. Our ability to drop in and be fully in our essence, in our presence. To make conscious choices from this space. To communicate from this space. Being in this space. This is what we need right now. This is how we heal ourselves and our planet.
  
  When we amplify our coherence and activate our divinity, we are expanding our system’s capacity to be with ALL that is unfolding in the collective AND in our internal process AND with our families AND with our service AND with our personal receiving of expansions/downloads. 

Our coherence is a gift to our families, to those around us, to those we come into contact with, to the Earth that we walk on.

What is being stirred within you right now as you read this? What is ready to let go and transmute? What is your relationship with in-between spaces these days? As we clear out what is ready to move through, it creates more space for your COHERENCE to expand into. The world needs more of YOUR ESSENCE.

THANK YOU

I also wanted to take a moment to thank those of you who continue to refer clients to me for online Somatic Coaching, Somatic Integration and Somatic Healing Sessions. The people who have been showing up for themselves and their healing work are just phenomenal humans. I am so enjoying those connections and witnessing the shifts and changes. If you are curious about doing 1-1 work with me, please reach out!

In Gratitude and Love,

Sara